Thoughts

I'm not sure where to start

So I'll just talk about what I have going on.

• A month ago I started working again
• I'm halfway through my MBA which has weekly assignments
• I have a side project for a school district that has gotten quiet as the school year reaches its end
• I'm figuring out how to fit lifting back into my schedule again
• I'm disc golfing now that the weather is warm
• I'm trying to be more conscious of my diet
• I'm intentionally spending quality time in my relationship

In other words, I'm busy and so are my thoughts. I have more responsibility at work than I have ever had before, so I have been balancing output, being organized, and attempting to provide a group of interns with the direction and guidance they deserve, even though I have only been at the company for a few weeks.

All this being said, I feel good. Admittedly I am stressed, but it's been an insightful period of time. I find myself doing more, but I also find myself relaxing and taking time for myself more, which doesn't make sense. At least, it doesn't make sense on the surface. It's not that there are magically more hours in the day, instead, everything I do feels incredibly intentional. I loaded up this OS because I wanted to work on the school project, but I had more interest in writing a blog post. I have fully cleared and rewritten this post 3 times now, but I just felt like writing a post. I found it in my to think "I want to write a blog post, so I will", and now I am acting on that thought. Even though I know I should go to bed to wake up early and go to the gym, and I feel like I should be staring at my texts so I can be available for my partner, or I should be looking at my email or team chats, I am intentionally writing. I think there is something to be said about making decisions when a schedule starts to fill up.

But still, I often find myself struggling to just "do the thing". I opened this OS to work on the school project which shouldn't really take that long, and I chose something else instead. If I say "Thursday at 7:00 - 7:30 I will work on the school project", I will not do it. I need a stronger intrinsic drive than setting up artificial pressure to want to do it. Finding that intrinsic drive has been something that I have been trying to understand better. I'm not looking to control it, yes it would be cool to be able to pick and choose how much I want to work on something at any time, but I think its more important to understand our emotions and why they are than to control them. I don't know why I feel so magnetically repelled against the thing I am supposed to do, but I will say I often times have success if I try to meditate before I try to get started. Maybe it balances out the pressure of the task, maybe it aligns our brain and our focus towards the task so we do it, and maybe it just lets the thoughts saying "do something else" drift away so they no longer pull me away from the task.

At the end of the day though, I find myself feeling peaceful. I feel like I am performing well enough, I am taking decent care of my health, and I am enjoying my free time with depth. Although I do occasionally feel the guilt that comes along with procrastinating or taking a break, I enjoy the things I am doing and I am learning all sorts of different lessons every day.