Engineering Your Life

How I got here

Every few months, I get this feeling of dread. I look back at my life and think about all the time I've wasted.

• I could have been working on open source software, instead I played games.
• I could have spent more time this week on my assignments, instead I watched YouTube shorts
• I could have improved a variable of my life, instead I spent time existing.

Then I do what I did today, I remove all the distractions around me so the path of least resistance is something productive. I got here because I looked at my assignments due today: a 6-8 page paper, a 1-2 page paper, a 5-slide PowerPoint with narrations, a 5-minute chat about my understanding of the next milestone, a discussion post, and replies to 2 discussion posts from last week. All of that is due at midnight, and it is 5 PM. I am going to my parents' for half an hour for dinner around 6 PM, so I have a handful of hours to really crank out some work. And it's not like I haven't been productive this week, I have been eating healthy, I am ahead of pace on my weight cut, I've found and applied to jobs that truly seem like a great fit, but I find myself wishing I'd just spent time on my MBA, so I don't have to do it RIGHT NOW.

The Consequences

Last time I did something like this, it was back when I nuked Windows off of my computer and installed Linux Mint Cinnamon. I didn't have games, but I did have books and a terminal to mess around with. I read the entire Dungeon Crawler Carl series (great book series, highly recommend) and spent a lot of time messing with my computer. So overall, I felt good about my new environment. But here is what starts to get funky. I deleted games because I felt like they were a waste of time, but I found myself wanting to play games because I missed the interactive stories, I missed joking around with friends while playing games with them, and I missed the pace of games. There's a weird philosophical loop: you need to be stoic and disciplined to be successful in your career, but what are you doing it for? Why chase that higher salary? Why chase the bigger title? Do I really want more responsibilities to give me more long nights? Do I want a larger salary when I already live a life that has everything I need? I can afford food, a gym membership, a modest living space, and a car. I get to play disc golf after work and on weekends. I have pets that I love dearly, so what's the point of spending time outside of work to get better at work, so I can work more, and make more money, which I don't have time to spend because I am spending my time getting better at work? Am I lying to myself when I say, "I'm so excited to learn about business"? I enjoyed listening to an audiobook about business on my commutes, but now I'm struggling to convince myself to work on my assignments. Am I lying to myself when I say "I love software engineering"? I prefer playing games over making them, I prefer disc golf over coding an app to track my scores, and I prefer lifting weights and going for walks over looking at open-source code repositories. I rewatched Elf this year, and I realized I was making decisions that the Dad would make. He didn't have a healthy relationship with his family, and I know it's a movie, but is that the future that this hustle and grind, 9-9 6 days a week Silicon Valley mentality is destined to lead to?

What Do I Think?

I often go back and forth between pushing myself and resting. I think it's very easy to lose momentum, and it's very hard to get started. For a lot of things, I stay the most consistent when I have a large enough series of habits that are intertwined, but one loose thread causes the whole group to collapse. For example, the most consistent I have ever been with lifting and eating is when I tracked every calorie I ate and every lift I attempted, but all it took was a couple meals in a row and a couple lifts of not tracking for things to quickly spiral out of control. Getting started again took a few weeks of getting the ball rolling. For now, I think my brain is ready to push again. I want to learn, I want to perform well, and I want to be able to look back at how much better I've gotten. So, it's time for me to put away the distractions and get excited for the push. In time, I'll be ready to slow down again. Just because I have time doesn't mean I have to fill it all; just a couple of fun, productive habits per day will make all the difference.